Dear friends,

Have you been blaming yourself for things you said or did when you were in a darker place? Have you been feeling shame about the past? Then let me offer you this: it’s behind you, and you don’t have to carry it forward with you. The best use of experience is to extract the lesson from it, and apply your new-found wisdom the next time around.

There’s a popular saying: “If you’d known better, you would have done better. Now you know better, so you’ll do better.” It’s a pretty cliché, but I don’t entirely buy into it. Sometimes I “knew better” on an intellectual level, but I made the wrong choice anyway. One of the reasons we cringe at these memories is because we *did* know better, and it’s hard to face the reasons why we chose a different road at the time.

You know what? On a certain level, none of this matters. You did it. You can’t change it. No amount of remorse or self-reflection is ever going to change that fact. It’s now part of the tapestry of your life, built into the weave – and there are going to be snags and knots in that tapestry. You can’t go back and make it perfect. So what *can* you do?

Remind yourself that life is lived forward, not backward. Be thankful for the wisdom you’ve gained along the way, because it will help you to make better choices the next time around. Keep your heart soft, and show compassion for others, and for the self you used to be, and the self you are becoming. Remember that there will be tough days ahead, and you will make mistakes, but you will forgive yourself.

Forgive yourself, and turn your face to the sun.

Annette

Dear friends,

I have a problem with the phrase “diversity and inclusion.” I realize that it’s become a catchphrase in academia and industry, and is so entrenched that hardly anyone examines it anymore, and even fewer are willing to problematize it. Questioning this phrase might indicate that one is racist, or favors exclusion.

Ah – see what I did there? Exclusion is the problem. “Inclusion” implies “exclusion.” Furthermore, “inclusion” implies that it’s already somebody’s turf, and they’re willing to let you in. Those in control are willing to open the door for you (perhaps open it just a crack). Being “included” is supposed to make you feel special, as if you’ve passed some kind of test – not as if you belonged there in the first place.

Historically, “inclusion” has been the right term. Those in power might deign to include the powerless. Whites might include non-whites, the wealthy might include those without resources, the young and vital might be willing to include the elderly. Those who ruled the turf chose whether or not to allow outsiders to step onto the turf.

Let’s declare ourselves past that, shall we?

Let us work toward the belief, the deep cultural conviction, that the “turf” belongs to all of us, and that we belong to each other. That nobody owns it, but that we share it. That we must learn to live in community with each other, even when it’s hard. Especially when it’s hard.

Okay, but how? (Easier said than done, right?) It starts with you. It starts with me. As I always tell my students in Intercultural Communication, the only person whose behavior you can control is you. You and I need to have courage. We need to try. We need to be willing to get it wrong, to be willing to embarrass ourselves in our efforts to be better, to do better.

Cultural shifts take a really long time. We can wait till they happen organically (which could be forever, or worse, never), or we can try to drive a cultural shift. We do this by educating ourselves and others, and behaving our way there. It’s difficult, it’s frustrating, and we’re going to fail a lot along the way, but let’s commit to ourselves and each other. Let’s do better, today and every day.

Let’s work on belonging, connecting, and living in community. Be an example for others.

Dr. Hamel